What part of my heart bleeds?

I don't know if the periods of melancholy that I undergo are necessarily driven by world poverty. But I do know that I go through these painful periods of sadness when my head gets cloudy and my heart hurts and my mind races, unable to think of anything practical or useful other than world poverty.

In those periods, all I want to do is leave everything behind and alleviate world poverty. I'm serious.

All I can think is how unjust the world is. How unfair it is that millions of people live without enough money to get home from work, even after earning minimum wage (according to this article). Or how difficult it is for people across the world to find jobs, even if they are willing to work hard, because their jobs are being outsourced or replaced by robots. (Don't ask me how I find these articles - all I know is that they are attracted to me like bees to honey.)

I believe I have always been an exceptionally sensitive, "bleeding heart" since I was a child. But I only recently realised my "bleeding heart" may be a symptom of a very visceral belief, after a series of confounding feelings at a first date that left me certain of only one thing - I need help!

Long story short - a date was trying to impress by getting a special reservation at one of the most exclusive (4 Michelin star) restaurants in the city. Unfortunately for him, not only did I look unpleasantly taken aback by the opulence of the venue when I arrived, but I also sat through the entire 4-course meal looking like the spitting image of a glum, disappointed and deeply dehydrated fish out of water.

At the time, I didn't understand my behaviour and thought it was because I couldn't stand the guy. After some reflection, I realise I liked the guy's personality but didn't understand the need to splurge on a $400 meal when there was so much world poverty. World poverty. There it was again.

My mind has been obsessed with world poverty since I was a child. I carry the burden around like Jesus or Atlas, but without doing any of the hard labour they did. All I can do is mope, weep, get extremely depressed, accomplish nothing and feel deeply guilty again, in a repetitive cycle. I don't know why my heart bleeds the way it does. I don't know why it bleeds more than others (after all, I'm not the only one eating out at a fancy place.) All I know is that it bleeds and it is painful.

I know people say you shouldn't be guilty and you should unashamedly chase money and prestige and your career and some day that will give you the ability to write a check and donate to a foundation (or better still, create your own tax-exempt charity). I guess my heart doubts if that amount of success can ever really occur and questions why I can't just donate to my time and my life right now. Perhaps I feel guilty because I feel that the selfish, corporate way isn't the only way forward. Perhaps I feel guilty because I realise that the people for whom my heart bleeds are those the system has failed, and those that have been left behind in our competitive, unjust world. Perhaps my heart bleeds because I realise that my hard work, my time, my life, my colleagues and my income are all going into that system that perpetuates the inequity. Perhaps it bleeds because I realise that in a Rawlsian world, I could easily have been one of those left behind.

Perhaps it bleeds because it is trying to tell me that I will never be happy with more wealth and expensive meals - instead I will be happy by doing good and making a difference to the strata of society that I care about. Just writing that last line was so relieving :)

The only problem, oh heart, is who will pay the bills?

The Fear of Lascivious Men in Offices and Women's Careers

Suppose an equally qualified young man and woman join the same, high-profile job. Equivalent talent, good looks and great smarts. Naturally, one would expect both to get the same kind of exposure and growth in the same number of years. But does that really happen?

Source: SCMC Law

The man never has to face the threat of sexual harassment, or the discomfort of being the minority in male-dominated office. He doesn't have to worry about how to get home if he stays late in office, or worry about sleazy looks which can come from anyone - ranging from the janitor to the MD of the company. The woman, on the other hand (unless completely insulated) is always aware of these potential risks. Over time, these fears may dissipate as she grows more powerful, but in her initial years in office these are very real and possible and she needs to stay extra alert to face any exigency.

Without a doubt, every woman who just started work in an office has thought of these situations, perhaps even faced some of these. Those that have dealt with these have had different reactions - ranging from quitting to fighting back. Those that haven't faced these, have always been fearfully aware that any of this can happen. Hearing more and more stories of harassment or assault, they have grown more fearful, or cautious. And it is the fear that is dangerous.

It is the fear that kills women's careers. When that 18-year-old girl got molested by Tarun Tejpal or the Delhi gangrape case happened, it wasn't just about women's safety and women's rights. It was also about how this creates discrimination between equally bright women and men - and hampers the growth of women in corporate jobs. Sadly, this is forgotten when there aren't enough middle-class women in the top decision-making bodies of companies (save for female relatives of founders or owners). The popular argument that prevails is that most of them drop out to get married or have kids or are too lazy to work hard enough.

Yes there are definitely a few women who drop out because they are certain they want to prioritize their family over their career. But there are also many women who are not sure at the start of their career - but when they have to face these everyday fears, they realise that getting married or leaving the high-flying job for a 'safer' one with fixed hours would be a better choice. The costs and benefits are skewed in favor of limiting their careers.

Which brings me the main point - This is why we need to punish sexual harassers more severely - whether it is clandestine in office or open harassment on the road. The long term implications of leniency on the collective psyche of women are lost in the short term media furore about the trauma to the victim. There is also a collective trauma and damage to society - to every career woman and the choices she makes. To the families of career women and the extra stress they all have to go through to support her against so many fears.

I'd like to end with a gedanken (thought experiment), based on the Tarun Tejpal molestation case:

Assuming the Editor-in-Chief of a leading magazine was bisexual (i.e. had an equal preference for both men and women), and if an male junior had been in a lift with him, would he have dared to have molested him? I feel the answer is 'No', but want to know why not?
Would any guy joining a media firm or corporate job ever have to worry about the safety of transport while going home or sharing a lift with a senior? Why is it that even today, women are the ones who need to worry more about these things?

Choosing between Work and Recognition

 If you had a choice between...
1) Setting up and running an unknown NGO that saves 1000 extremely destitute people's lives, but not earning any recognition for it.
2) Becoming famous for working in 'poverty and development'...writing and publishing wildly successful books and with seminars attended by people in the tens of  thousands, being nominated for the Nobel many times - maybe even winning it once!

Which would you choose? The too-much-work without recognition? Or the too-much-recognition that appears not to be derived from any work that has made a major difference in someone's life?

Which life path beckons you?

Do What You Love or Love What You Do?

Do what you love or love what you do?
Does this question puzzle ANYONE on this earth more than it irritates the hell out of me?! I mean I'd love to WRITE books but I can't, okay?
So I Must Choose Between Various Dreadful Corporate Back-office Jobs In The Hopes That Someday I Am Doing What I Love (Or At Least Have A Lot Of Money).
And Suffer And Endure Fears Of Recession And Layoffs.
Pray I Get Time Every Evening to Read A Bit. (But, seriously, how will I if I'm part of the rat-race?)
Fend Off Intrusive Relatives' Suggestions and Inquiries Into My "Stable-Government-Job" Plans. (Never, okay?! I don't want to live the rest of my days surrounded by dusty files and not making a bloody difference to anyone's life! Yuck.)
Endure Office Politics. (My biggest fear about working...no wonder I want to become a writer! It's just a form of escapism...)

List to be updated soon...