I'm so restless, SO restless, it drives me crazy. My pounding, impatient heart seems to always be beating for the next big kick - whether it is planning out what jobs to try out in the next few years (as I drop one after another every few months) or whether it is pacing in slow dread of the next job that drags beyond a year. Where is my persistence and focus? I wonder if I'm capable of it in any field.
I think of joining academics or the corporate sector or a government job and feel equally dissatisfied with each of them. To make things more complicated, I can't even rank them in terms of dissatisfaction or which I hate or prefer the most. What adds to the confusion is my refusal to stop there...I then wonder if perhaps I should think of entrepreneurship or working in a creative field (options in which, among other things, include becoming a writer or a movie director or scriptwriter...!)
If this thinking cannot be called mad, then what can?
I know I'm not stupid (at least not intellectually, though I suspect indecisiveness is a form of experiential stupidity) but I feel like my lack of focus may be my biggest drawback. This is a drawback that I fear will overshadow any amount of strength I may derive from having a high IQ or (if i'm lucky) glimpses of genius. This indecisiveness could cost me a fulfilling life...I'd hate to just drift along till I'm 60 and then realise I should have found my aptitude in time and focused on one field instead of wasting all those years...
I need to learn to focus and I need to learn what to focus on.
Meditation...here I come. (But how many times have I said that already in the past seven years? I've never been able to consistently meditate regularly for more than 3 days in a row, 5 minutes at a time. I pity myself.)
What will save me?
wonderful post...meditation is indeed helpful :-)
ReplyDeleteThank you! Have been trying the same (again!) :)
DeleteBe careful where you aim because if you have enough reasons to hit it you will. So make sure you really, really want what it is you are aiming for. Meditate!!!!
ReplyDeleteI really wish I first knew what I really, really want...meditation has helped calm my mind to some extent but decisiveness is still a long way away!
DeleteThank you for the feedback! :)
unlike other people, you have the hunger to know yourself and not just exist as flesh and bones...i dont know you but you seriously have nice writing skills and can always pursue a career in this field..
ReplyDeleteI wish this hunger to know yourself actually translated into finding out what you want...it's been a long time, but I've only gradually found out what I don't want or can't do. :/ Maybe it's meant to be a long-drawn out process, who knows?
DeleteThank you for appreciating my writing and taking the time to comment, I really need the confidence boost! :)
most of the people i have seen work for survival..a few work because they enjoy what they do ...and a handful work for a purpose ... its better if you fall in last two categories ...
Delete(inspired by the monk who sold his Ferrari)
I don’t know how should I give you thanks! I am totally stunned by your article. You saved my time. Thanks a million for sharing this article.
ReplyDelete