Tuesday, January 3, 2012

The Pain of Having a Secret Crush

Secret crush? It's painful, no doubt about it.
More so when he's an achingly handsome recluse with that rare deep, probing stare that lights up your inner-most, dormant fire. Describing him as reclusive is an understatement. He attends college, on average, once a month. And if I happen to bunk that day, I don't see him until the next month. Naturally, to circumvent this contingency, I attend all my classes. (Damn it! Why do I have a soft spot for Handsome Weirdos?!)
Double the torture if you've not told any of your close friends (and the few mutual acquaintances you've mildly confessed your 'slight' interest to immediately reacted with "Yuck! He's so weird! You have such bad taste! He's a lonely creep and he stinks!" after which you are forced to hurriedly retract your initial expression-of-interest with an "I was just asking, silly! Of course I'm not serious, hehe."). Ouch.
Triple the agony if you consider he's so 'different' that he doesn't smile or talk to girls (other than routine transactions like asking to borrow the computer they're on or what the teacher said while he was zoned out). He's said to have 0 female friends. Furthermore, the last 3 times I've tried smiling at him discreetly (these intermittent initiatives have been spaced out over the past year and a half to ensure he doesn't guess my real intentions) he paused in his steps and glared back at me like I was an adversary pointing an AK-47, then promptly looked away and walked on.
How many more signs can a stupid girl ask for?
I hate limerance and infatuation. Yet I've been stuck in this obsessive "relationship" for over two years now! Every time I think of love, I think of him...knowing fully well (from umpteen movies, books and dating advice) that this is nothing more than a stupid, pointless one-sided crush and could never develop into a proper, healthy relationship once the 'initial attraction' phase is over! Why can't my bloody brain just control the darn heart and tell it to concentrate on pumping blood and stop wasting its time?
Even from an evolutionary perspective, what is the point of this? I certainly don't want misogynist, reclusive, weird babies with him...nor do I think he'd make a good partner (though I'm introverted, his extreme reclusiveness is not compatible with my long-term vision of how my life should be). I also suspect he's not entirely heterosexual, yet a part of me wants to believe he just had a troubled childhood and I've met a real-life Lars (character from the movie Lars and the Real Girl). Haha...I've practically concocted a tragic past life for him so I can absolve him of all blame for his strangeness and save him with my love (I guess it'd be nice to be one of the rare female Knights in Shining Armor!)...
Meanwhile, his academic performance has been dreadful recently - it almost seems as if he's not interested in a job, friends or a normal 'successful' life! His CGPA has been steadily declining for the past two years and I think he's now close to the lowest percentile in the class with no extracurricular achievements (or even activities) to boast of. Even the rational part of me would agree that it hurts to see how he's wasting away his intelligence, time and opportunities (this college is one of the best in India)...yet instead of condemning him for his indolence my emotional heart would rather dream about improving him and his life! And that too without communicating with him even once! My in-depth secret research and analysis of his hobbies has yielded interesting gossip - he basically loves watching Eastern TV shows, movies and graphic novels and likes proclaiming himself as "lazy" and "laidback". I guess he has taken it too far...
He's definitely a weird nut.
But then...when you think about...I'm a much, much weirder nut for liking him, researching him, wondering about him, worrying about him and finally blogging about him...Horror!


  1. hmm hmm !!!
    Why worrying abt a weird nut ??

  2. @Deepak Karthik and @Nona
    Well - I know it's weird, but that's infatuation for you (we all have our weaknesses). I'm hoping this is just a phase and it passes away in time. :) Hope not to be judged for this!


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